Song of Brew & Ire

Part 3 of a one night encounter
Melon is a zombie

Bono & Ness follow Kazarlu down to retrieve the notes from the basement.
Habe says “I think you should allow me to treat Melon.” Melon claims he’s fine. Melon is probably corrupted. Habe is worried that the same thing that happened with Grayst will happen with Melon. He asks us why did we come here in the first place? He wants to know when we’re leaving. Nastunye says we’ll leave as soon as we get the notes.

We go downstairs to get the notes, and it smells bad. Melon examines the Ratman. Kaizarlu gives the notes to Bono, who is excited. Bono tries to read them, but he’s full-on illiterate.
Bono expresses concern about the fact they had all those zombies in the basement. We should prrrrrrrobably do something about the room with the body parts.
Ness: “Why are there so many corpses down here?” He hands us the papers.

Nastunye looks around Habe’s room, and rolls a natural 20. She finds 41 gold.

We thought Habe turned into smoke, but it turns out only Melon saw that and Melon is going crazy so maybe that was just Melon?

Kaizarlu goes back upstairs, and asks Bono to be discreet.
Melon pokes the dead ratman with his finger, deeply. It is still warm. It feels very satisfying.

Ellwood goes into the room of one of the Teiflings. He pulls out a key, unlocks the door, and lets him in. Ellwood sees a bed, checks everything, and sees a locked chest. The Tiefling opens the chest for Ellwood, but there are no ears inside. The Teifling tries to make Ellwood feel guilty. Ellwood gives him a high five.

Ness tries to see if the bodies were murdered, but can’t tell.

Melon smells a delicious steak from a side room. Melon pokes the head of another corpse with his other finger. Ness says, “stop poking dead shit or I will blowgun dart you AGAIN!”

Melon freezes like a cat, and sticks his tongue out near his finger, and then licks his finger. Ness blowgun darts him. Melon squeals. The finger tasted delicious. Ness yells “Stop that!” and gets ready to blow dart him again.

Bono comes downstairs and channels positive energy. Ness gets healed for +5HP. Melon licks his other finger. Ness blow darts him, but misses.

Ellwood wants to have a drink with the Tieflings. Nastunye hears the commotion and comes downstairs.

Melon thinks the fresher body tastes better. Melon basically politely asks Ness if he can cut a bit off her and taste it. She says, “NOOOOOPE” and runs upstairs. Melon hits Ness for -5 dmg with his axe. Nastunye follows Ness up the stairs. Bono closes the door behind him, and tells Melon, “Don’t eat anything I wouldn’t eat.” Melon compares the axe blood with the blood on his fingers, like a fine blood sommelier.

We all run up and ask Habe and Kailzarlu. Kaizarlu says, “I’ve never seen it advance to this stage quite so quickly, we need to get him in a cell.”

Bono finds he has a sleep scroll. He thinks we can lure him into the room, and he can use his spell to put him a stone box.

Ellwood gets a glass and puts Ness’ blood in it. Bono gives Ness the scroll.
Ness has the sleep spell scroll, and the cup of blood. “I’m going in!”

Ness says, “Hey buddy!” and puts the cup of blood on the ground, and backs away. Melon senses motive and suspects something is up. But he starts gnawing on the Ratman!

Ness reads the scroll, but It doesn’t work. Bono is repulsed. He casts spiritual weapon. Melon puts the rest of the arm in his back pocket. Melon critical fails and loses his axe.

Ness runs upstairs. Nastunye asks the tieflings to subdue him. They say they will, if we can bring him upstairs. Elwood goes flying down the stairs to shield bash, but misses. Melon thinks this is all really weird, and everyone needs to calm down.

Ness rummages around for spells or something that can knock him out (but not kill him). She finds nothing on the bookcases, and runs to the Habe’s office.

Bono hits Melon for -8 dmg. Mace to the face! He says, “STOP. EATING. PEOPLE.” Melon rolls a natural 20 – pimp slap! Bono is dazed for 4 rounds, and loses -10 dmg.

Ness finds two vials in the office with a rusty liquid. Kaizarlu says, “What’s happening?”

Suddenly the air downstairs materializes into solid shards and does -12dmg to Melon. (Probably Kaizarlu). Nastunye says she’ll lick Melon lick her blood if he goes upstairs.

Ellwood summons a satyr, which charms Melon. The Satyr says, “Hellooooooooooooo…” and Melon critical fails and waves back at him with the dead arm in his pocket. Melon is charmed, but Bono’s spiritual weapon keeps attacking because Bono is still dazed.

The tieflings subdue Melon and bring him upstairs. We lock him in a cell.

Elwood has the satyr cast suggestion on us, to get us all to leave. We all think going to Sandpoint is a great idea, including Habe. Bono resists the suggestion, and thinks poorly of Ellwood.

Don't be silly Toto, Scarecrows don't talk
We go farming!

We go back to the Tavern, and we see a bard telling a “Rectum, damn near killed him” joke. Nastunye checks her orphans. One of them has a handful of money and jewels.

The Sheriff asks what happened at the Sanitorium. Bono tells him what happened. The Sheriff warns us there are strange reports from the local farms. We meet the bard, Artemis Spicklewick. Bono gives Ness 1 potion of Cure Moderate Wounds. We sleep.

In the morning, Nastunye goes to get her stuff appraised. Bono tries to teach Lil Bro the way to god (and fails). Ness tries to identify what the wand that she found is.

The doors fly open and the Sheriff comes in with Farner Grump. We all go to the kitchen. The Farmer is trembling, “they’re all dead!” He talks about scarecrows eating everyone, even the dogs. He goes into shock. The scarecrows came from Hambley’s place – about 5 hours away. Ness doesn’t know Hambley specifically, but knows there are farms to the East.

We leave the Tavern. Ness checks for tracks and sees there are hurried footprints coming from the south. The road forks again and we see a sign that says “Hambley’s Place.” We notice things are eerily quiet.

We come to the boundary of two farms and we see a scarecrow. We poke the scarecrow. it smells like damp hay, not undead.

Scattered through the fields are scarecrows. Bono sees things in the field – three more scarecrows! The ones to the left and the right appear to be moving, says Elwood. One scarecrow is pulling and fractures the wood. It breaks the posts. Ness casts negate aroma. Elwood and monkey destroy the scarecrow corpse. Nastunye kills the other scarecrow. Ichor comes out instead of blood. They’re semi-dismembered. They’ve been gagged across their faces with wire, and have claw marks all over them. Ness tries to track how they got there, but only sees snapped wheat, and can’t tell where it came from.

We approach the third scarecrow, but it’s only straw. We head to the house. We see another scarecrow jerking. Ness lifts up the bag over the head with the ranseur, and we see a woman in fear and terror. Elwood undoes the gag, and she says “HELP GET ME DOWN!” Ness recognizes her as Letty Guffman.

She runs away, but Elwood stops her. Bono casts cure light wounds. She says her husband is missing. There is another scarecrow in the fields, it breaks off the beam, and looks me in the eye.

The scarecrow jumps down and runs away. We stay on the path to the house. The road forks to a smaller dirt road. Ness perceives an 18 foot high stone head, with a barn attached to it. The locals call it “The Stone Warrior.” Artie’s history class knows it’s from Varisians.

Letty is terrified, asking us to find her husband

Artivus Letter to Venture-Captain Sheila Heidmarch
My Introduction

Dearest Venture-Captain Sheila Heidmarch,
I have arrived in Sandpoint. What a hellhole. The only pub in town is one run by a bunch of kids with abandonment issues. It was all I could do to keep their grubby little mittens out of my pockets. Luckily, the locals are so starved for entertainment that I was able to set up shop in the tavern until the Pathfinder team arrived. Can you believe these locals have never heard of “Stacy’s Mum” before?! I mean, it hit the Magnimar charts at no.3 for a week!

The party you mentioned arrived, looking worse for wear, about a day later. There was a gruffy, tree-hugging dwarf named Ellwood that has a rather questionable level of affection for an ape; a drunk named Ness who had seemed to suffer from identity issues and doesn’t know what she wants to be; a wild eyed, fanatic dwarf priest named Bono with a “kick-the-cat” principal to training his acolytes; and the smoldering Ms. Pickpocket and self proclaimed orphan elf mother herself, Nastunye. Now I see why you asked me to keep an eye on them. Subtlety doesn’t seem to be in their vocabulary.

While chatting it up with the tavern locals and picking the odd hair out of my beer, the town’s sheriff gathers the crew for a bit of a chat. I see my opportunity and quickly introduce myself and offer my assistance. Only Bono has heard of “Stacy’s Mom” and I think he was lying to me.

The next morning the party was met by a wild-eyed farmer who claimed to have seen walking, flesh-eating scarecrows! My first reaction was to strike some sense back into the poor sod and send him on his way. But this group of Pathfinders took to the story like ants to sugar. So off we went, looking for spooky scarecrows. Luckily, I had some joke material regarding scarecrows that I practiced on Bono with. I think he like it. I’ll use it in my main act.

Come to find out, the scarecrows were spooky and did in fact move. Worse yet, they bit the druid’s monkey on the shoulder. The ape returned the favor by shredding the thing to pieces. A bit of an overkill, really. Note to self: do not cross the ape.

Once this happened, there was mad talk about burning the farmhouse, burning the fields, burning everything! I had the strike up a few songs to quell the rising bloodlust in this group.

So one of the scarecrows was, in fact, a human missus bound to a wooden post. That’s when I began to consider this to be another one of those bizarre sex cults I keep reading about in Magnimar. I kept my deductions to myself for the time being.

The missus takes off in a panic and the druid “snackles” her! It’s a new word I was forced to invent to describe what I saw! A “snackle” is a snuggling tackle. When the little lady took off over the pasture, the druid gave chase like a cat after a mouse and tackled her, rolling her into a snuggle position, gently caressing her hair to calm her down. It worked, but there was an uncomfortable period of time (at least to me) that the druid continued his soothing snuggle well after the lady had calmed down. I looked up in a little bit of disbelief to see if any of the others were perturbed with this extended length of time “snackling” but none of the other party seemed to register any discomfort.

Another of the scarecrow broke free of his bonds and scampered into the depths of the field. Perhaps fear of being “snackled”? Who can say. Regardless, the party considered moving to the farmhouse to secure a defensive position.

It was along the way that I spotted the large Varisian stone statue. Naturally, my college training kicked in and discoursed a long tale of the historical implications of these giant statues and their socio-economic and pseudo-arcane/religious symbolism they represented at the time of their construction in the Age Before Ages. No one really listened. Meanwhile, the drunkard mumbled something like “Hey, it’s the Stone Warrior.” and everyone nodded like she was a genius! I’m the one who studied in Magnimar, not her!

Pathfinder Skald, Former BackAlley Boys Member,
Artivus Spicklewick


We look inside the farmhouse – there is no sign of life, but there is a body on the ground. There is signs of a struggle.

We go inside. The stench from the dead body is powerful. Ness pokes it with a ranseur. There’s a nail in the chest of the corpse with a rune carved into it and a note for Nastunye. Ness also finds a rusty iron key.

We hear screaming and a wail coming from the barn. Ness, Nastunye, and Bono go to the front door. Elwood goes around the side. We hear creaking from the beams above. We see gore everywhere inside. The body on the ground is Shilelu. We run to Shilelu, and ghouls drop down from the ceiling!

Bono gets clawed for -8 damage. Ness critical fumbles and rips her clothing. Elwood crits and kills one. Ness gets clawed and bit for -11 damage. Bono channels positive energy and kills two. Ness gets hits one for 6 damage. Elwood sees a larger ghoul in the rafters, and sends Monkey after it. Elwood slingshots the ghoul and kills it, and it falls out of the window.

Shilelu is alive, but barely. Bono casts cure light wounds on her for +12 heal.

Monkey is repulsed by the smell of the larger ghoul body. Nastunye searches the ghoul boss. He’s wearing the clothes of a higher class caretaker. There’s an iron key around his neck with a flower crest on it. We recognize Rogors Craesby – he oversaw Floxglove Manor. It is 3 miles to the south. It is a very wealthy house, and over 80 years old. Ness remembers there was tragedy there, but can’t remember what. The locals consider the manor house haunted.

Artemis asks Letty questions. Her husband is Horrim Guffman – they were farmers in a neighboring farm. Theyr’e young and wanted to start a farm. She was dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, and woke up strung up like a scarecrow.

Bono perceives recognizeable parts of the humans. The barn is an undead Sizzler. The larger ghoul boss is a ghast. They all used to be people.

Nastunye and Ness find a lockbox under the floorboard. It’s filled with sacks of money – each filled with 100 silver. The total is $3,400 silver.

I lost my ear

Dearest Venture-Captain Sheila Heidmarch,

I lost my ear! I LOST MY EAR! Creepy dead scarecrows attacked us in a hamlet shithole and tore off my ear! This is going to wreck my music career in Magnimar. I didn’t sign on for this type of damage!

Shilelu and Artie's ear dies

We ask Shilelu what happened to her. We go inside the farm house. Shilelu followed the trail of dead bodies to Hambley Farm. We notice the dead Hambley isn’t as decayed as he should be. He died from hemorrhaging. Bono smashes open Hambley’s chest, with a dagger Ness gives him. It seems like a normal death.

Ghouls are stronger, but zombies are more weak. We dig a giant hole and put all the bodies in. We burn them. Nothing else catches on fire.

We go back into the farmhouse. Letty starts freaking out that we don’t know where he husband is, so Nastunye knocks her out.

Everyone goes to sleep. Ness and Nastunye stand guard the second shift, and suddenly there is banging on the door. Ness is on the roof with Stickfoot. The house is being attacked from all around by zombies. Ness hits the one to the right of the front door for -9 damage. Elwood runs outside and gets attacked by 3 zombies and gets paralyzed.

Artie casts animate rope, and a rope climbs up the chimney. Nastunye is about to clumb out. Bono casts channel positive energy. He goes through the window to help Elwood, and kills one.

Ness casts disrupt undead around Elwood, and hits a zombie for -4 damage. Bono gets attacked and hit for -7 damage. He gets paralyzed, but keeps his spiritual weapon.

Shilelu gets hit with bohemian ear spoon and is deafened. The bard loses an ear for -1 Charisma FOREVER.

Zombies descend on Shilelu, she slumps to the ground. Nastunye jumps out of the chimney and crits a zombie!

There are two zombies left. They kill Shilelu! Artie hits a zombie with a natural 20, and kills it with a short sword. Bono channels divinity and kills the last one.

The stench is overpowering. Netty is still passed out, but alive. All the ghouls are wearing burlap sacks – they were probably scarecrows.

Artie looks for his ear. Then he casts blood biography.
“Who are you?” – Hoarim Guffman
“How’d you die?” – The Fever
Nastunye searches the bodies.

Ness takes Shilelu’s stuff – she would have wanted her to have it! A bow, 10 sleep arrows, wand of cure light wounds, +1 studded leather armor, Masterwork short sword, amulet of natural armor, +1 cloak of resistence, 8 platinum.

Ghouls were wearing tattered tunics. Nastunye finds jewelry worth 500gold. We burn all the corpses. The sun rises.


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